Most dog owners will tell you that raising a canine is a lot like raising a slightly hairier, faster child. For the most part they are like babies – blindly loyal, with their daily diary consisting of nothing but requesting food, fuss and faecal extraction (or in other words, my idea of a perfect Sunday). However, our dog has now bypassed that stage and has entered the teenage phase – I swear that if he had the apposable thumbs, he would be slamming a bedroom door and blasting out ‘Hounds of Love’ at full volume.

            At first, we thought that this transition into teen living was restricted to the odd rebellious run on his evening walk, his selective hearing and stealing slices of pizza from our very plates. Sadly, this was just the beginning. Last week, our beloved, two-year-old Henry descended into the kind of debauched devilry that would make the Dog Whisperer scream with anguish. I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong. This wasn’t your run-of-the-mill leg hump. No, Henry indulged in a spot of solo satisfaction while in deep slumber – the only thing about this dream that wasn’t wet was his nose.

            It wasn’t how I imagined it to be when the idea of catching our dog masturbating popped into my head (not that it did often). I half expected it to be like the secret slip ‘n’ grips we all enjoyed as testosterone-addled teens, where Henry would bark his goodnights, carry the laptop in his mouth and frantically google Fake Taxi.

            Speaking of Google, we brazenly searched ‘do dogs have wet dreams?’ without any fear of repercussion from cookies or adverts. The answer still leaves me stunned into silence for so many reasons, thus I can only repeat it ad infinitum – “in the same way that dogs are just as likely to have nightmares as humans do, so too is it conceivable that a dog’s resting mind may invent sexually satisfying scenarios.”

            Upon reading this, my mind was racing. At first, jealousy – in my life, there are no such things as sexually satisfying scenarios, either deep in my head or deep in my bed. The idea that a two-year-old mutt with bad breath and moulting hair is more sexually awakened than myself made me want to head straight for Pornhub. Secondly, I tried to imagine what kind of stimuli Henry would be using for his filthy forays – does he lie back and imagine a Cavalier Michelle Keegan? Does his bone tremble with anticipation at the girthy legs of a Great Dane?

            What disturbed us further was that a few days earlier we had Googled – because we are, let’s face it, sad individuals – what dogs dream of. The answer was that as dogs are incredibly loyal to their owners, it’s most likely that they are imagining and seeing them in their dreams. While at first we thought this was overwhelmingly cute, after Henry’s wet dream we all suddenly felt like we needed a cold shower. When he came to lie by my side on the sofa a few nights after the incident occurred, I couldn’t work out if it was an act of loyal love or him attempting to add another deposit to the wank bank. All I know is, since my mother caught him enjoying his wet dream, she has refrained from shouting ‘come!’ on their morning walks.

            One week on and we have yet to catch him enjoying round two of his fur-dampening dreams. One can only assume it was a quick blast of boisterous bawdiness or he’s being more covert and enjoying a furry tug when the house is free. I am now living in fear that I’ll return from work and find Henry has raided my secret stash of FHM Magazines. Whatever the outcome, I can safely assume that Henry must have been imagining doing it doggy style. And if he wasn’t, I’m going to be even more disappointed.